Yoga Yoga Yoga

So, it's been a while since I wrote anything and I promised myself I'd start doing this properly so here's an update of everything that's been going on since I dropped out of college to pursue my modelling ambition (couldn't think of a better way to put that, I'm going to sound like a twat regardless unless you know me).

Something that was recommended to me by my agents is Bikram Yoga, it has changed my life.

For those of you who don't have a clue, it consists of doing 26 postures (intense stretches) twice each in a room heated to 40 degrees. 2 breathing exercises also form part of each class which lasts 90 minutes.

At first I must admit I was unimpressed by the idea of committing 90mins of my life 3 - 5 times a week in order to be trapped in what feels like a sauna with a bunch f yummy mummies and freakishly stretchy yoga buffs.

Having said this, rather than being somewhat disappointed in what I felt was basically exercise for people who don't exercise I was surprised and frustrated to find that my first class was extremely challenging.

Not only did I feel dizzy and nauseous for the first time in my life during exercise but these so called 'stretches' were extremely reliant on core strength, flexibility and balance (have a go at the picture above why don't you).

I'm about 2 months in and I can honestly say that although I dread going to class, I am fitter, more toned and more flexible than I ever have been. Thanks to Bikram Yoga I have realized my body's full potential.

I thoroughly recommend trying it to anyone who hasn't, it's a good release for stress and a brilliant way t lose weight and tone up.

LOVE.

I feel like sometimes life gets harder when you love someone. Not because you have to work at it but because you pour so much of your energy into loving that person, you worry about them because you care, you want to be the best version of you you can be and you want to be there for them.

I find it difficult sometimes to contain my emotions, he probably thinks i'm crazy and i don't blame him but it's good to know that that's part of the reason he loves me back.

Love definitely makes people a bit crazy and in some ways it does make life harder but it also makes everything so much better.

I wouldn't change it for anything.

Cigarettes and a Cuppa tea . . .

I should stop smoking. It's dreadfully bad for me but I find it's the thing to do when bored. The only thing to look forward to at college is a smoke with my wonderful friends, incredibly sad but unfortunately, true. I hate the smell on my fingers but now I'm pretty good at rolling I feel compelled to smoke the cigarettes I roll just out of pure satisfaction. Cigarettes and a cuppa tea seems to be routine now.
God. I need to get a life.

Do you ever get that lonely feeling?

Sorry?

I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough and that it was clearly all my fault.
I'm sorry I ever had to tell you what I told you and I'm sorry you didn't want to hear it. I'm sorry I had to bother you constantly just to make you care and I'm sorry that you weren't there when you should have been.
I'm sorry for thinking that for one second you would be there like you said you would and I'm sorry for being so stupid in believing you.
I'm sorry for expecting you to help me when you were so determined to believe you shouldn't have to and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that you were so wrong.
I'm sorry for all those times you looked at me, so angry, as if you hated me and I'm sorry that I don't know what I did to deserve it.
I'm sorry that I didn't make you understand how hard it was and I'm sorry I didn't put you in your place when you brushed me off for trying.
I'm sorry you were too immature to contemplate anyone else's feelings but your own and I'm sorry that you didn't try either.
But most of all, I'm sorry that I thought I knew you and if I ever did, I'm sorry that you changed.

Yes, this happens to a lot of people but that doesn't make it any easier.
It doesn't mean you don't think about it every single day.
And it doesn't mean you stop asking why it had to be you.
I hope one day you get it.
Maybe when you've done some growing up the realisation that I was just someone who deserved a little of your time will hit you.

And I hope that it hits you as hard as I should have.