Cigarettes and a Cuppa tea . . .

I should stop smoking. It's dreadfully bad for me but I find it's the thing to do when bored. The only thing to look forward to at college is a smoke with my wonderful friends, incredibly sad but unfortunately, true. I hate the smell on my fingers but now I'm pretty good at rolling I feel compelled to smoke the cigarettes I roll just out of pure satisfaction. Cigarettes and a cuppa tea seems to be routine now.
God. I need to get a life.

Do you ever get that lonely feeling?

Sorry?

I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough and that it was clearly all my fault.
I'm sorry I ever had to tell you what I told you and I'm sorry you didn't want to hear it. I'm sorry I had to bother you constantly just to make you care and I'm sorry that you weren't there when you should have been.
I'm sorry for thinking that for one second you would be there like you said you would and I'm sorry for being so stupid in believing you.
I'm sorry for expecting you to help me when you were so determined to believe you shouldn't have to and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that you were so wrong.
I'm sorry for all those times you looked at me, so angry, as if you hated me and I'm sorry that I don't know what I did to deserve it.
I'm sorry that I didn't make you understand how hard it was and I'm sorry I didn't put you in your place when you brushed me off for trying.
I'm sorry you were too immature to contemplate anyone else's feelings but your own and I'm sorry that you didn't try either.
But most of all, I'm sorry that I thought I knew you and if I ever did, I'm sorry that you changed.

Yes, this happens to a lot of people but that doesn't make it any easier.
It doesn't mean you don't think about it every single day.
And it doesn't mean you stop asking why it had to be you.
I hope one day you get it.
Maybe when you've done some growing up the realisation that I was just someone who deserved a little of your time will hit you.

And I hope that it hits you as hard as I should have.